Lauren
02-14-2007, 09:27 PM
In any community or group of people, one of the biggest strengths or weaknesses is the ability to communicate. There are many facets and aspects of communication and, as best I can, without any training in this area, I'd like to offer some of what I've learned about this topic.
Communicating is more than finding the most precise words and most expressive and descriptive sentences. Communication takes the abilities of two or more people. Both the speaker and the listener must have some concern or empathy, or at the least, interest, in the other's point of view. Without this communication cannot take place. In fact, some of the most powerful communication can be had without a single word.
Here are some basic points to remember...
For Speakers
Teach not Preach
Teaching, generally, is a neutral means to approach someone while preaching causes some to feel they have done "wrong". Where in one situation the two communicators are on equal footing, the other, one is exalted above the other. People will quickly protect themselves against the harsher perception of a sermon. If you can approach your listener with neutrality, and sincerity, you are most likely to have them open to your message, and be willing to entertain your view, even if they do not adopt it as their own. The goal is to be heard, and your goal will most likely be acheived if you do not cause your listener to raise protective walls right from the start. Throughout your communication keep a level head and a level calm tone. If a speaker starts off calm and gradually becomes more angry in tone or more accusatory in tone, the listener will feel the speaker's frustration, or lack of control and will feel the speaker has lost viable arguments for his/her cause and must resort to intimidation or anger to sway the listener. Rants have a place but rarely do they work to bring about true and effectual communication.
Know and Understand your listener
To truly educate your listener, you must know or be willing to know, something about them. You must CARE about what it is that they think in regard to what you're trying to communicate. You do not need to know miniscule details of their life, but you must take into consideration why they may feel the way they do on the topic at hand. This will allow the speaker to either confirm the listener's belief and help with ways to consider your message, or to show a different side of the listener's belief. One cannot communicate what one does not understand. One cannot communicate only one side of a coin. One must understand, at least, part of the listener's experience. To do this the speaker must be willing and able to set aside his/her experience, and stand in the place of the listener and speak to him/her from that point of view, thereby giving the listener a chance to truly re-evaluate his/her belief on the given topic. Often the experience of the speaker is quite different than that of the listener which is why the two may have such different views on an identical situation. One is neither right or wrong,(for their experience) but their experiences have taught them to take different directions on the same topic.
Communication is not about Winning
This is another attitude that will close true communication before it can start. If a listener feels the speaker is trying to "win", they may get the feeling the speaker is in the discussion for personal gain. If the listener believes this, they are likely to believe the speaker has not taken their beliefs, wellbeing, or experience into consideration and only wants to win an "argument". Avoid the "win"/"lose" attitude. (See "Teach not preach") The object, again, is to be heard and to have your audience decide based on your communication whether your discussion has merit. You may both leave the table with the same views, but communication will have still taken place and most often, a greater level of tolerance, or at least, understanding between the two will have ocurred. Ultimately a speaker may want total agreement with his/her stance, but the truth is that communcation comes on a spectrum. Any improvement in a situation means communication has brought some success. Mere time, or even another speaker, or more experience on the part of the listener may bring about more change. The same things may bring change, eventually, in the speaker more to the belief of the listener. The goal is understanding and tolerance.
For The Listener
Try to be open
One who is listening, must attempt to truly listen. It will be best if preconceived ideas/notions are "checked at the door" if the listener truly wants to meet the speaker on equal ground. We learn what we experience and rarely do we all experience the same situation exactly the same way. Try to put aside our own experiences and listen to the speaker and then judge whether what the speaker says has merit. One may find that there will be merit in certain situations, yet in others, a different tact may be necessary. It is okay to have this view. No two situations are always the same and no two situations can be dealt with the same. Listeners must act as filters. We must take information, put it through our filters, and decide whether it is beneficial or not, keep that which benefits us, and put the rest away.
Truly listen, not just hear
When being presented with a different belief than you hold, truly listen to your speaker. S/he may have other information with which you may not have been presented previously. Give consideration that the speaker may know of his/her belief/experience and it may be different than your own. Just as the speaker needs to consider the listener and show sincere interest in him/her, the listener must show interest in what the speaker is trying to say. This does not mean the listener must want to change their view, only that they leave the option available should viable information be presented.
Avoid defensiveness
An effectual speaker, even one with an opposing view than yours, should not leave you feeling defensive. It is important for the listener to avoid feelings of defensiveness also. Just because the speaker has a different view than yours, does not necessarily mean your view is "wrong", "bad" or "negative". It may mean that there is more to share. Accept the speaker's opinions as just that... opinions. These are opinions that you may choose to accept or not and are under no threat to do either. The listener's job is merely to listen and to decide whether the message is workable in their own life.
Lauren
Communicating is more than finding the most precise words and most expressive and descriptive sentences. Communication takes the abilities of two or more people. Both the speaker and the listener must have some concern or empathy, or at the least, interest, in the other's point of view. Without this communication cannot take place. In fact, some of the most powerful communication can be had without a single word.
Here are some basic points to remember...
For Speakers
Teach not Preach
Teaching, generally, is a neutral means to approach someone while preaching causes some to feel they have done "wrong". Where in one situation the two communicators are on equal footing, the other, one is exalted above the other. People will quickly protect themselves against the harsher perception of a sermon. If you can approach your listener with neutrality, and sincerity, you are most likely to have them open to your message, and be willing to entertain your view, even if they do not adopt it as their own. The goal is to be heard, and your goal will most likely be acheived if you do not cause your listener to raise protective walls right from the start. Throughout your communication keep a level head and a level calm tone. If a speaker starts off calm and gradually becomes more angry in tone or more accusatory in tone, the listener will feel the speaker's frustration, or lack of control and will feel the speaker has lost viable arguments for his/her cause and must resort to intimidation or anger to sway the listener. Rants have a place but rarely do they work to bring about true and effectual communication.
Know and Understand your listener
To truly educate your listener, you must know or be willing to know, something about them. You must CARE about what it is that they think in regard to what you're trying to communicate. You do not need to know miniscule details of their life, but you must take into consideration why they may feel the way they do on the topic at hand. This will allow the speaker to either confirm the listener's belief and help with ways to consider your message, or to show a different side of the listener's belief. One cannot communicate what one does not understand. One cannot communicate only one side of a coin. One must understand, at least, part of the listener's experience. To do this the speaker must be willing and able to set aside his/her experience, and stand in the place of the listener and speak to him/her from that point of view, thereby giving the listener a chance to truly re-evaluate his/her belief on the given topic. Often the experience of the speaker is quite different than that of the listener which is why the two may have such different views on an identical situation. One is neither right or wrong,(for their experience) but their experiences have taught them to take different directions on the same topic.
Communication is not about Winning
This is another attitude that will close true communication before it can start. If a listener feels the speaker is trying to "win", they may get the feeling the speaker is in the discussion for personal gain. If the listener believes this, they are likely to believe the speaker has not taken their beliefs, wellbeing, or experience into consideration and only wants to win an "argument". Avoid the "win"/"lose" attitude. (See "Teach not preach") The object, again, is to be heard and to have your audience decide based on your communication whether your discussion has merit. You may both leave the table with the same views, but communication will have still taken place and most often, a greater level of tolerance, or at least, understanding between the two will have ocurred. Ultimately a speaker may want total agreement with his/her stance, but the truth is that communcation comes on a spectrum. Any improvement in a situation means communication has brought some success. Mere time, or even another speaker, or more experience on the part of the listener may bring about more change. The same things may bring change, eventually, in the speaker more to the belief of the listener. The goal is understanding and tolerance.
For The Listener
Try to be open
One who is listening, must attempt to truly listen. It will be best if preconceived ideas/notions are "checked at the door" if the listener truly wants to meet the speaker on equal ground. We learn what we experience and rarely do we all experience the same situation exactly the same way. Try to put aside our own experiences and listen to the speaker and then judge whether what the speaker says has merit. One may find that there will be merit in certain situations, yet in others, a different tact may be necessary. It is okay to have this view. No two situations are always the same and no two situations can be dealt with the same. Listeners must act as filters. We must take information, put it through our filters, and decide whether it is beneficial or not, keep that which benefits us, and put the rest away.
Truly listen, not just hear
When being presented with a different belief than you hold, truly listen to your speaker. S/he may have other information with which you may not have been presented previously. Give consideration that the speaker may know of his/her belief/experience and it may be different than your own. Just as the speaker needs to consider the listener and show sincere interest in him/her, the listener must show interest in what the speaker is trying to say. This does not mean the listener must want to change their view, only that they leave the option available should viable information be presented.
Avoid defensiveness
An effectual speaker, even one with an opposing view than yours, should not leave you feeling defensive. It is important for the listener to avoid feelings of defensiveness also. Just because the speaker has a different view than yours, does not necessarily mean your view is "wrong", "bad" or "negative". It may mean that there is more to share. Accept the speaker's opinions as just that... opinions. These are opinions that you may choose to accept or not and are under no threat to do either. The listener's job is merely to listen and to decide whether the message is workable in their own life.
Lauren